Wilderness snuck up on me. I was very not prepared. Some of the things that we were required to have I actually have back in Texas and if I'd known I needed these things I could have brought them with me. Yesterday afternoon and all day today after class I furiously drove around from dollar-store to thrift-store looking for the things on my list.
Yesterday driving around from place to place, trying to not drive anywhere I didn't need to so I could save gas, I kept getting frustrated. As the sun got lower and lower the traffic got worse and there seemed to be a growing sense of panic among everyone to hurry up and get in my way. Hurry to Goodwill and get the last pair of pants I need. Hurry to the Dollar Tree and get the rest of the plastic bags. I was bleeding time and money - two things I did not have.
Now, this week we did learn in Impact195 that everything is God's. This isn't just a lesson about tithing of our money, or giving of our property. It's also a lesson in time management. God has more than all the time in the world. He made time. He can bend time. He can do anything He wants with it. Only the enemy has a finite amount of time, and a finite amount of time to dissuade us from living for Christ.
I knew this in my head while driving around and I kept looking at the clock, fretting that the stores would close before I could inexpensively find what I was looking for. I repented for being so impatient and frustrated and rather than grumbling to myself I decided to tell the Lord how great He is for even allowing me to be here and in this mad scramble.
Thank God that I'm in San Diego. Thank God that I'm in Impact195. Thank God that I get to go on this Wilderness Trip and spend time building friendships with my classmates and a stronger, deeper relationship with Him. I thanked Him for what I was most looking forward to on Wilderness: What I don't know to expect. The challenge before me that I haven't anticipated that I will have to trust in Him for. That's when - clear as a bell - I heard Him tell me that this was that challenge!
This is it. I'm driving around, frustrated, angry even. That is the challenge! He reminded me that, for me, my Wilderness adventure has already begun. Sure, I could have brought the few supplies I have back in Texas with me to make my life easier, but that wouldn't be trusting in Him. He reminded me that He is in charge, and He will lead me to His solutions, not mine.
Yesterday came to a good conclusion, despite my - and quite a few other people's - grumpiness. It didn't end even after my realization too. I sat up late and wrote an entire blog entry for you to read last night and just when I was going to publish it, somehow - in my confused humanity - I managed to erase the entire thing. Sleep was the best thing I could do in that moment.
This morning I woke ready to start the day. Ready to get going. At Impact195 we broke off into three family groups. About ten to a group. The leader of the family I'm in is Cisco, our instructor through Romans and Ephesians. He has been on this same trip a number of times. We all got to share what we most expect out of this adventure, and I testified about my adventure from yesterday. Then we packed our bags.
First thing I discovered is that I'd hoped to bring too many clothes. The less the better. So I'm down to one pair of pants. One pair of shorts. Two t-shirts. I can't wait to find out what I smell like at the end of the week! I also discovered what I was missing. Water bottles, plastic bags. Such and such little odds and ends. So I set out this afternoon to collect the last bits of what I need for our 6am departure.
I was less stressed about traffic or time today. The businesses I was hoping to patronize today would all be open later. Wal-Mart, Dollar Tree, Big Lots, Target. The problem is that those places - believe it or not - are too expensive for me. Seriously. For instance, we are required to carry two 1-liter camp-appropriate water bottles. Everywhere I went these are at least six dollars. I even found some that were up in the twenty-dollar range!
It seems like I went from store to store picking up one item here, one item there. Checking prices and comparing. To save on gas again I started at Point Loma (West) and worked my way east back to El Cajon (East) where I am staying. Every where I went I counted the cost of my needed supplies - too expensive. It was going to wipe me out. At one point I even called my mother to see if she could put some money in my bank account. I was convicted of that early on, since I set out to San Diego not to depend on my parents for any money.
Finally I ended up at a Target just blocks from the Brotel. There were two water bottles, for some reason - explicably on clearance. They were still five dollars each. A cringing price to pay for plastic water bottles compared to the twelve dollars in my pocket.
The twelve dollars in my wallet isn't mine. It's God. He created it all. The crunch, the tinge of frustration I get at spending this money is disobedience. I'd already asked if I could borrow some from Impact alumni and not gotten any answers. That was frustrating in itself, and now I have to spend the last of my cash to get water bottles.
I had been hoping to hold on to a few dollars for the end of the trip. Next Thursday - a week from today - we will be hiking back into Avalon where we will be all going to eat together. They told us to save back twenty to thirty dollars for that dinner as well as a shower that we can pay for at the end. I was already grossly under budget for that meal. After packing food today and realizing what we're going to be eating all week I was pre-looking forward to a good meal.
As I walked around the store and half-heartedly prayed, but more grumbled. Then I recalled yesterday's lesson - For me, Wilderness has already begun! This time, however, it was more of God asking me if I really trusted Him. If I trusted Him to take care of me. If I trusted Him to provide.
Matthew 6:33 But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. (NIV)
Bite the bullet. Or the bottle, rather. I picked up the last two bottles on clearance and took them up to the front. After it was all said and done I stood out in the parking lot by my jeep with a dollar and some change and my needed two water bottles. I looked at that dollar and thought Well, God has done more with less. I couldn't even get fish and bread with this.
I got in the jeep and shut the door, throwing the change in the little cup next to the stick-shift.
Change.
I have change. I have loose change.
I came back to the Brotel and sorted together all the things I'd purchased today. With a peaceful sense of completion I realized that I'd gotten all the most important things off the list. I cooked up a potato in the microwave. Gunny - the house German Shepherd came and put his head on my lap and watched me eat. I kept thinking about that change.
After washing my plate I went back to the bedroom I share with two other guys and went through all the pockets of all my clothes. I went through every bag I had, looking for cash and more importantly loose change.
A quick internet search and I zipped up the street to CVS and poured a heavy cup of coins into the Coinstar machine. I was expecting to come out of the store with ten dollars so that I could shower and have at least a drink or a side order when we came to rest at the end of the trip.
I stood in CVS and started crying at the mercy the amazing Creator of The Universe showed on knucklehead me. I walked out with thirty dollars and some change to put back in the cup and start the entire process over with! This resource had been with me this entire time!
I've used Coinstar before and it seems like I've put more coins in a machine and gotten less results. But somehow, way back, when I would drop silver coins into this cup - I don't know how to express this at the moment because I'm crying. I'm doing a lot of that lately. Crying at the amazing perfect plan that God has for me, and for each of us. Putting Him first before my own arrogant thinking is an amazing experience. All the drive-thrus, all the Starbucks runs. All the loose change thrown into that cup all these months, and He knew it was going to end up being this amazing moment that He designed to show me what obedience to Him is like.
Luke 12:24 Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! (NIV)
He told me in Target to get those water bottles, even though I was trying to be a good steward - as we are being taught in Impact - with my money and plan ahead. Then again, I have to trust in the Lord today. What good would that twelve dollars be if I was disobedient to Him? I fulfilled my obligation to get my packing list, at the sacrifice of a meal next week. What did He do? Bring to my recall a resource, a plan, an ability that He put into place long before I had ever heard of Impact195.
How amazing God is that He wants to prove to us through these little ways - rewarding acts of obedience and faith - that He is all-knowing, all-loving, all-caring, never-changing, never-ending, supreme in all things. His will is absolute perfect and His will in my life is all I will ever need.
2 Corinthians 9:8 And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. (NIV)
Thank you for praying for me this week while we seek solitude with Him out on Catalina Island. By this time next week we will have walked approximately 29 miles and made bonding relationships with each other, and more importantly with Christ, that will last into eternity.
Praise God!! :)
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